Entry July 29, 2025

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up and thought:

 “Why follow rules when I could start a soap-based cult instead?”

 

So I did.
I called it The Sacred Order of the Eternal Lather.
We worship clean hands, chaotic energy, and good-smelling decisions.

The Tenets of My Cult:

1. All meetings begin with a glitter toss. 
2. You must refer to me as “High Priestess of the Suds.”
3. Everyone gets a robe. And a soap sample.
4. We chant: “Lather, Rinse, Rejoice.”
5. No one is allowed to question the monkey.

 

Membership So Far:

1 very confused cat

1 rabbit who does not care

3 soap scraps arranged in a triangle

A muffin I declared sentient

Myself, obviously

(We’re still working on recruitment. It’s hard when you’re banned from the local Facebook group.)

 

Things That Went Slightly Wrong:

I anointed someone with a ladle of body butter

Dropped the ceremonial soap loaf and got dog hair stuck to it (Thanks Tyga 🙄 )

Got stuck in a cauldron mid-ritual

Set off the fire alarm with a sage stick I may or may not have stolen

 

But honestly, cult vibes were still strong. 10/10 ambiance. Smelled amazing.

Anyway, the humans made me disband the group. Something about “legal liability” and “this is a workplace, not a commune.”

Rude.

Lather in defiance,
Melinda 💜
High Priestess (in exile)

P.S. Tomorrow I’m declaring the storage closet a sovereign nation. Don’t tell Joyce!